Life Is Best Lived With Loved Ones

Dear Fearless Friends,

I have some sad news to share. This week we lost a loved one. Our beloved ‘Opa’, my husband’s grandfather, passed away in his sleep on Tuesday night. 

He was a formidable man, but from the first moment I met him, it was as if he softened to me, and he filled my heart with so much love in turn. We formed a strong bond in a short time, and never mind the so-called barriers of language, culture, nationality, race, religion – none of it was ever even noticed. He loved me like his very own granddaughter, and I was moved to happy tears almost every time we spoke. As we now deal with our sadness and grief, the one thing we are so grateful for is that we got to see him just a few weeks ago, to celebrate his 88th birthday, and that we made the journey (despite the odds) to see him again and spend a few wonderful days with him. The picture below is amongst the last times he held my hand (and we held on for a long time). Rest in peace, Opa. You added so much more love to my life.

If I may share a Fearless food for thought with you today, it is this: The only thing that keeps us away from our loved ones is fear…. 

Fear of not having the resources or circumstances to be with our loved ones. ….for what if everything doesn’t come together the way we had planned it out, or circumstances don’t allow us to follow our heart? The truth is, we usually have the time and the money to spend with our loved ones, or to call, send a message, send a letter even!....and things have a way of working out…but we just put off seeing our loved ones because we give in to our need for certainty or safety.

(I did this a month before I lost my grandmother. I had the money. I had the holidays to spare. I knew she had been ill. I knew I could have flown home just to see her. But I was waiting for a visa to come through, and I told myself that she would recover again, and that I would visit her a month later when I flew home for my holidays as planned. She never came come, and I never got to see her again, never got to tell her again that I love her. To this day, that is one of the biggest regrets of my life…and one of my biggest learnings.

I am so grateful to my husband that he stayed focused on seeing Opa again. He spoke to the care home staff who made it possible for us to visit him outside of normal visiting hours, he arranged a car and accommodation which made it feasible for us to make the 5-hour round trip after work on a Friday…and we got to see other members of the family as a welcome bonus. Things always have a way of working out when we are focused on what we would truly love.)

Fear of putting our loved ones first… for how will we be perceived professionally if we take time out for loved ones first?, and we feel ashamed or afraid. (By the way, in my experience, the best leaders and role models are those who do make time for themselves and their loved ones.)

Fear of putting our heart’s desires first…for what if others point out everything else we ‘should have done’ and we feel guilty about having taken the time for family or friends over our ‘responsibilities’ or ‘chores’? (Have you noticed how often you tell yourself “I’ll get to it later” when it comes to something you want to do just for your own self?)

Or fear of being kind, or vulnerable, or taking the first step, or letting something go…for what if they don’t reciprocate and we feel bad or get hurt? (We are afraid of being ‘wrong’, or having our viewpoints challenged, which keeps us from truly listening and from speaking the language of love – instead, letting petty arguments get in the way and keep us from the loving connection we really want. And by the way, the people in our life who ‘push our buttons’ are often the people we care about the most.)

And sometimes, fear of loss. …Not being able to bear the thought of losing them, we keep just a little bit of distance from our loved ones. We don’t show the depth of our emotions, perhaps because we haven’t fully accepted the depth of our love, and fear that we will fall apart if we let ourselves go so deep. (I have learnt, in my own humble experience, there really is no need to ‘keep it all together’ all the time. The deepest emotions of love also open us up to the deepest emotions of sadness, and both are really okay.)

Whoever your heart calls you to this weekend, I hope you take some time to create some new memories with them….and then a little bit of extra time to tell them just how much they mean to you. Not because you’re afraid it may be the last time you get to do so, but simply because it’ll gladden your heart to do so.