Fearlessly Create Loving and Supportive Relationships
Strong, loving relationships that hold us, support us and encourage us to thrive are what we seek, and what fuel our growth as human, social animals. And yet, most of us find ourselves in relationships (work or personal) where we either don’t feel truly loved and appreciated, or we feel that we are not free to fully express our own unique desires, creativity and exploration.
Today’s Fearless food for thought takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the complex dynamic that holds us back from the very thing that we would love:
Every problem in a relationship is caused because we are afraid to let go of our fear of what would happen if we let go od our fear.
Our fear in relationships is rooted in our childhood stories.
As children, we want to be held and know that we are safe and secure, and we also want to explore the world around us and know that we are free to express our will.
But as babies and infants we soon learn that “we can’t just have it all”. Our parents may be busy when we want to be held, or they may stop us from going somewhere or doing something because it is dangerous. And we take this to mean that just expressing ourselves doesn’t always get us what we want, so we find ways to get more attention or to avoid or ignore direction.
As we grow into young children, our budding sense of self ‘gets hurt’ when we are told “don’t do that” because it is not ‘acceptable’ or ‘safe’, or “don’t say that” because it is not ‘polite’ or ‘right’. So we ‘learn’ that we can either be free and have it our way (in which case we will not be loved), or we can be loved but not be free (in which case we must make our desires and expression secondary to others’ wishes).
As we mature and start to observe the complexity of relationships, we notice that people always make demands on us and each other. We notice that some people demand and some comply, some are praised and some are ostracized, some do their own thing and some are part of a group. And so we tell ourselves that we must give up some aspect of ourselves to meet those demands, that we cannot fully express ourselves and be safe, loved, and free.
We become afraid that if we don’t control and manoeuvre our interactions, we will not get what we want. So we adopt three different fear strategies to avoid being unsafe or unaccepted or unfree:
We seek to dominate others and impose our will, our wishes, our opinions on them, so that our sense of freedom is not jeopardised. We put ourselves first, we dismiss the opinions, ways or wishes of others, and we consider ourselves in some way better than others. We feel confronted and threatened when someone challenges our views or doesn’t want to go along with our wishes. Unconsciously we fear that if we allow the will of others to exist, it will obliterate our sense of self. “I know better.” and “It’s my way or the highway.” are common voices of fear in this orientation.
We try to make ourselves indispensable to others by always agreeing, obliging, complying with their wishes or by being an ‘important’ person in the world. We offer to go out of our way, we do a lot for others, and we let it be known how much we do and how busy we are. We overwork ourselves and do more than we really want to, and we feel disappointed and angry when we are not praised or rewarded. Unconsciously we fear that if we don’t have enough that is of value to the world, we will be excommunicated. “I must be a good person” or “It’s important to do and have a lot.” are common voices of fear in this orientation.
We separate ourselves from others to never be hurt or rejected or challenged. We avoid true intimacy, we withdraw from connection, or we tell ourselves that we don’t really care. We are suspicious or disbelieving when others show us love or concern, and withdraw if others trigger strong positive or negative emotions in us. We feel uncomfortable after we receive a lot of praise, approval or success, or numb after we have been hurt. Unconsciously we fear that if we let others into our world, we will be violated. “If I don’t care, I can’t get hurt.” and “Leave me alone.” are common voices of fear in this orientation.
All that we would really love is to give voice to our true expression and to experience fulfilling love in all its forms. And yet, when we adopt one of these fear strategies, we in fact distance ourselves from our true selves and other people. What started out as a childhood strategy to get us love and freedom ends up being what keeps us away from love and freedom!
In truth, the only thing limiting us from having loving and supportive relationships is that we try to control others because we hold on to a fear of what would happen if we didn’t control them in the ways above. When we allow for the possibility that others may dominate us, reject us or hurt us, we simultaneously understand that we are always free to express ourselves and that as adults, we hold an endless capacity to generate love for ourselves and others. All we need to do is acknowledge that we are free and that demanding love from others indicates that we are holding back our own love.
This week try letting go, just a little bit, of what you fear will happen if you don’t dominate, appease or ignore the people you care about, and choose instead to express yourself to them freely in a loving and supportive way….and watch yourself as you take one step closer to relationships without fear.
